Getting ready for a deployment.

Now that we know that CPT Dick (oh wait, excuse me, Conan the Love God) is definitely deploying, I am facing a conundrum. How do I get Munchkin ready?

He's currently in a serious Daddy-loving phase. If he sees his father, he runs over and demands to be picked up immediately. If it is a choice between Daddy or me taking him up to bed, he chooses Daddy. If Daddy leaves to go out for a run, Munchkin throws a fit about being left behind. And though he doesn't have many words yet, Daddy is definitely one of them and he repeats it like a broken record in the evenings when he thinks CtLG should be home. "Daddy? Daddy. Daddy? Daddy. DADDY!"

So how do I even begin to go about preparing a two-year-old for his father's departure later this year? I really have no idea.

Maybe there isn't really any way to do so.

Misplaced criticism?

This past week, a young girl went missing from the Algarve Coast in Portugal. Her parents are currently criticizing the Portugese effort to find their daughter. I was appalled and totally with them until I read this one line:

The McCanns had left their daughter in bed as they dined nearby.

I'm sorry, but who in their right mind would leave an almost-four-year-old alone in a strange apartment in a foreign land? There's nothing to say that she was even abducted. She could have wakened, not found her parents and walked out of the apartment all by herself.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel terribly for the parents. They've lost their daughter. But I fail to see how they think their current efforts are going to bring her back any faster.

More, more, more.

So Diraya needs more warm bodies. Question is, where, oh where, is the Army going to find them?

I wonder sometimes if Eric Shinseki ever bumps into Dick Cheney or Paul Wolfowitz at the supermarket. And then I wonder if it's all awkward and shit because he was so right and Dick and Paul, you know, those ass holes who still have positions of power, were so wrong and just still can't bring themselves to admit it.

He wore Vaaaaaaaa-seline.

To all you mothers out there, forget those overpriced diaper creams.

Vaseline is the best thing ever. I don't know how I ever got along without it.

True, I do feel a little dirty rubbing it all over my kid's bum after a diaper change. And not just because it's greasy feeling and I'm not sure if I managed to get all the poop off the skin even with 2001 diaper wipes (Munchkin is a squirmer). But just seeing that diaper rash disappear makes it all worthwhile.

Ruminations on Conan the Love God.

You know, every time I type Conan the Love God, I just laugh at loud. For like, 10 whole minutes. I mean, my husband isn't really the Conan-looking type. He could be a Henry. Perhaps a Donald. If I'm really thinking about something exotic, maybe Emmanuel or Peeps. But Conan? Conan the Love God? There's just no way he's pulling that off.

Now to be fair, I've never seen him in a fur loincloth, but I still feel confident in my statement. He's not a Conan.

But because I'm a good wife and am willing to compromise to make my marriage the best that it can be, I'll still use it.

I just hope I don't pee my pants while doing so.

What? They didn't throw flowers at their liberator?

Cheney says it's "game time" in Iraq. Glad he finally noticed!

Ed Burns, you had me at "I gotta do it my way."

Last night, I watched Ed Burns' most recent film, "The Groomsmen." Now I like Ed Burns movies. I thought "The Brothers McMullen" (despite the casting of Burns' then girlfriend, Maxine Bahn) was hilarious and "She's the One" was even better. As for "The Groomsmen," it was funny but not an overall winner.

Conan the Love God, however, thinks that Burns' movies suck.

But even he had to give props during the scene when Matthew Lillard (who should totally be working more) starts giving his two sons flack for not practicing. Practicing what, you ask? You guess the piano, maybe a clarinet or something equally as mundane. His kids moan and groan -- because who doesn't when a parent tells them it's time to practice again? -- but then they begrudgingly do as they're told.

And then, as their father air drums along, they pay Loverboy's "Turn me Loose" -- one on bass guitar and the other on lead. I not only laughed my ass off but was really, really touched by what Burns captured in the scene. A father, who had to grow up all too soon, was sharing his own loves with his kids. Here was a guy who realized that he didn't have to give up all of his dreams when he had children. He could just share them.

It was perfect.

On the importance of communication.

"Conan the Love Warrior? I never said Conan the Love Warrior."

"You did so."

"I did not!"

"Honey, you sat right there and said that you wanted to be referred to as Conan the Love Warrior instead of CPT Dick."

"Wrong."

"I am not wrong. That is what you said."

"No, I said Conan the Love God. There is an important difference."

The Developmental Nazis strike again.

And now they have an ear, nose and throat doctor to back them up.

Apparently, Munchkin has enlarged adenoids. So they want to remove them.

I guess that's all well and good. They believe that as soon as those suckers are gone, Munchkin will be talking up a storm. And mostly, my gut tells me it's a good idea. Unfortunately, it's hard to hear my gut talking to me with it churning so much over the thought of my small, two-year-old son having his mouth pried open and then cut under general anesthesia.

Oh, Wolfie, Wolfie, Wolfie.

Sources say ol' Wolfowitz broke the rules when he got his girlfriend a six-figure job at the World Bank.

Umm, and this surprises who, exactly? Wasn't "maverick" a term used to describe him when he was put up for the post? The only funny thing to me was that he was making his name at the Bank by going after corruption. You have to love this man's huge balls if nothing else.

Now I'm just curious how he figures he's going to keep his job. Will Bush step up to the plate and show even more cronyism? Should be interesting.

What the Army won't talk about.

There are many things the Army won't talk about but the biggest one these days is retention.

In every single article I read, the Secretary of Defense and each and every General out there says that there is not a retention problem in the military. I'd really like to see the data they are working from. Seems like every day, I talk to someone else who is about to drop their paperwork.

From anecdotal evidence, I know of a ton of junior officers that are getting the hell out. I mean, it's kind of amazing how fast they are all leaving. But do you blame them? They've already done a few tours in Iraq. They are tired of being away from their family. They are tired of an ever-changing and never-ending mission. They are tired of ineffective leadership. They are tired, period.

I will be very curious to see what the Army does in the next few years to mitigate the mass exodus. But I'm sure it will be more ostrich-head-in-the-sand tactics accompanied by the acceptance of a few thousand more moral waivers in recruiting.

On naming conventions.

"You left your blog window up."

"Oh?"

"I can't believe you refer to me as CPT Dick."

"I told you that I was calling you that. To preserve your anonymity."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." (And really, I did).

"It's not very nice."

"What would you prefer me to call you?"

"Conan the Love Warrior."

"Done."