And to think, usually I just delete forwards.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first.

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl
Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town
Use alcohol in moderation
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you
Eat right
Hank dictated this list himself
The moon is made of green cheese
Everything Hank says is right
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom
Don't use alcohol
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments
Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Drinking the Kool-Aid.

One of the best things about heading back to the states is going to one of the stadium seating, multiplex theaters. The idea of going to the movies -- non AAFES-approved movies, even! -- just seems like pure decadence.

Both CPT Dick and I recently finished His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman so we wanted to check out "The Golden Compass." We thought it would be the perfect movie to take our nephews to see with us.

But lo and behold, when we mentioned the idea of heading to the movies, usually a big treat, we were met with stunned silence. "The Golden Compass" it seems is immoral enough fodder to merit a letter home telling parents to not let their kids see it.

Now, I heard about some of the hullabaloo about the movie. The Catholic League came out against it and the books it was based on. But it's one thing to hear about some organization that Kathy Griffin calls "some guy on a computer" on the news spewing about immorality and another to see a letter written by a real live principal on official school letter head that was sent home with your family members. And it's not one of these off-the-wall Christian schools like my friend R. went to where her parents had to sign a contract at the beginning of each school year that agreed that she not be able to listen to music. It's just your run-of-the-mill East Coast Catholic school.

I just don't get it. What does banning books and ideas get us? Shouldn't faith be strong enough to handle a few questions? Isn't that the point? Isn't that why it's faith?

I don't know.

CPT Dick and I went to see the movie. And our older nephew, now a teenager, decided to go with us. But our younger one stood firm and as we walked out the door to see the film, he looked at us sternly and said, "God isn't going to like this."

I'll let you know if any of us are struck by lightning any time soon.

I love Steven Pinker.

Steven Pinker, a professor at Harvard University, has an article about the evolution and purpose of morality in this week's New York Times magazine.

It's a must read for just about everyone. He's got it spot on.

Talking the talk.

In preparation for taking on my second FRG, I've signed up for a one-day refresher course on the in's and out's of the position. And by signed up, I mean that I was signed up by the battalion Commander's wife as a favor and now have to pretend to be grateful. Yippee!

I'm sure that some of the material will be helpful. And Lord knows, the Army is sort of learning as they go with the whole FRG thing so I'm sure there will be a whole new list of things not to do that I should know about. It won't be a total waste of my time and it will give me the opportunity to meet some ladies and get to know the environment.

But I digress.

In preparation, the instructor of the course, the wife of a pretty up there Officer, sent out an email to provide an agenda for the day.

But in that email, after the salutations and niceties, instead of getting down to business, she says this:

The most important thing you should know about me is that I am a Christian.

She then expounds for a few more sentences on having the light of Jesus in her life before moving on to actual pertinent matters.

What the hell? This is an FRG refresher. Not a chapel meeting.

It seems that more and more, especially around the military, people think it is appropriate in a professional setting to start off by stating their strong religious beliefs. It is not. In no other organization or industry (barring, of course, a specifically stated religious one) is it ever apropos to do so. And you would think, in the military, an organization attracts so many people of different backgrounds, ethnicities and religions, people might stop and wonder if they could potentially put off someone by stating their religious fervor right upfront like that. But they don't. And it's becoming more and more commonplace.

I read a recent quote by Hillary Clinton where she said that she had been raised to be somewhat wary of people who wear their faith on their sleeve. I have to agree. It's a New England thing, I think, but it was always considered polite to keep matters of faith and business separate. And again, given the diversity of the world, I can't say it's a bad thing.

Now, I've met a lot of really devout Christians who are wonderful, caring people. But NONE of them told me their religious beliefs as an introduction. It's something that came out naturally through the course of other conversation. People who just slap you with it first thing make me uncomfortable. And I'm not afraid it's to say that it's because, too often, the ones who are so busy talking the talk aren't bothering to walk the walk. I feel sometimes that they believe if they say they are Christian often and loud enough, then they are exempt from having to actually act like one.

I don't know what this meeting will hold. I'm trying to withhold judgment until I get there. But if it was the instructor's intention to make everyone feel more comfortable by sharing her devotion, she missed the mark a bit.