Sunday, January 25, 2009

Maintaining radio silence.

First, thanks to all of you who left comments or sent me messages. I very much appreciate them. The support has been overwhelming. My wee little Grinch heart may have even grown a size or two from all of it.

So what's happening now? That has been the gist of most of the messages I've been receiving in the past week or two. So, an update. For the most part, I've spent the last few weeks wondering what I have to say about being a military spouse. But a friend convinced me that perhaps there was also some value in talking about the process of becoming not-a-military-spouse. If that is, indeed, what I am doing.

For the record, I haven't made any hard decisions yet. My gut tells me that things are done but I keep reminding myself about the old adage about guts and shit. Unfortunately, MAJ Dick (oh yeah, he got promoted) refuses to discuss any of it but it's hard for me to blame him. He's thousands of miles away. As he told me in a rare moment of kindness and honesty on the telephone the other week, he can't think of anything he might do to fix things from Baghdad. If I'm honest, I don't know that I can think of anything either.

So for now, I'm just left pondering -- what do I do next? Do we try to cram a year's worth of drudgery in two weeks and try to hash it all out in an 18 day R&R? Do we just pretend it's not happening until after the deployment and its consequent hoopla? Or is it better to make a decision now, call it a day and just let the chips fall where they may? It would seem that deployment offers yet another negative consequence to a marriage. Our marriage is frozen in time, in many ways, back to the days before he left. Just as it takes two to end a marriage, two are preferable for the process of ending one. And I don't have that luxury.

In the meantime, I'm keeping on. Doing pretty much what I did when we were happy -- doing my work, taking care of Munchkin, traveling and even volunteering here and there for the unit. What else is there?