Tuesday, January 15, 2008

January at the gym rant.

I really wish that there were two gyms in January. One for people who actually work out year round and one for the folks who only attend for the first couple weeks of the year after making a resolution they know full well they'll give up on as soon as it gets hard.

Our gym has been packed -- packed, I tell you! -- with throngs of January work-out ne'er-do-wells. Every morning, as I've made my way to the cardio fitness room to jump on a treadmill or elliptical, I've found that I've had to wait 10-20 minutes for people to finish their routine. And most of those people? They are hogging the equipment, going over the 30 minute time limit, moving as slowly as humanly possible.

It drives me insane.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for people getting out there and getting a little exercise. It's just that I want them to actually mean it if they are going to get in the way of my routine. Most of them are wearing expensive work-out gear, drinking high-calorie sports drinks (did you know that your bottle of Gatorade holds 2.5 servings at 200+ calories a serving? Yeah, you've actually consumed more calories during your work-out than you burned. Well done), sucking that performance goo out of packets, and kvetching about how they just can't lose weight no matter what they do.

February cannot come too soon.


"Babe, have you seen the kitchen scissors?"

"Umm, are those the black-handled ones?"


"They are in the bathroom."

"What the hell are they doing in the bathroom?"

"I used them to trim my pubes."

"What?! Gross! Why the hell did you use those scissors? Those are kitchen scissors. I use them to cut meat and veggies, for God's sake."

"Well, how appropriate that they've now been used to cut near meat."

Monday, January 14, 2008

On how reality never lives up to the fantasy.

"Okay, I couldn't wait for you to call me. Now that I'm old and married, I have to live vicariously through someone. So how did the date with the hot French dude go? He's not still there, is he?"

"No, he's not here. The date was all right."

"All right? Just all right? You've been talking about getting together with this guy forever! He is HOT FRENCH DUDE. How could it be just all right? What happened?"

"Well, the date itself was actually awesome."

"Yeah? Where did you go?"

"We went to dinner at this joint called the Supper Club and it was just perfect. He was perfect. Sweet, romantic, interesting, funny. We totally hit it off. It almost seemed like I was starring in my own romantic comedy."

"That sounds awesome. So where's the 'all right' in that?"

"The 'all right' comes after. So I took him back to my place..."

"You slut!"

"...and we started making out. He was a great kisser and everything seemed absolutely perfect."

"So did you close the deal? Or did you not and he get pissy about it or something? I'm still trying to figure out the 'all right' part."

"No, no, nothing like that. It was great. And so after a while, we made our way up to my bedroom and started going at it. But once I got his pants off, I started laughing uncontrollably."

"Uh, do I want to know what in his pants was laughter-worthy? This isn't going to gross me out, is it?"

"It's just that once things started getting hot and heavy, he started going 'Oui, oui...oui, oui.' And once things got really, really heavy, his voice got all high-pitched and squeaky and those 'oui, oui's' came out more like 'wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee-wee-weeeeeeeeeeeeee.' And you know, there is absolutely nothing sexy about getting down and dirty with someone who sounds like a toddler who is telling you he has to go to the potty."

Sunday, January 13, 2008

So, like, I know there is a lot of uglification going on here.

But I still can't believe I used to be in love with Christian Slater when I was a teenager.

This is a still from his new movie, "He Was a Quiet Man." And I know there's a good bit of make-up on. He's having his go at the Charlene Theron/Nicole Kidman ugly make-up path to Oscardom. But even so, it's all too easy to recognize him. It's like the creepy Chester-the-Molester dude was always in him, even when he was the hottie in "Healthers," just waiting for the right time to come on out.

And in this corner...

Earlier this week, Bette took on the NY Times op-ed by Gloria Steinem arguing that African Americans are ahead of women in terms of political power.

Apparently, she wasn't the only one who took some issue with it. Mark Leibovich talks about the history of the right to vote for minorities and women in the article, "Rights vs. Rights." It's an interesting read.