Work, work, work.

The trouble with freelancing is that there is no rhyme or reason to when you'll have to work. I am currently slammed with work. Mostly because when I wasn't, I was out there trolling for new customers like a $5 hooker (though I charge significantly more).

But now with my impending trip to NYC next week, I need to get on the ball. So even though the sun is shining, my kid is in a great mood and there are all kinds of fun things to do, I will be sitting on my couch, laptop in lap, writing about a disease I hope to never get and the best way to choose accessories. Fun, huh?

"Hypocrisy cloaked in righteousness."

I've titled this post "hypocrisy cloaked in righteousness" because I read it on another forum and I think it best encapsulates CBS' decision to fire Don Imus.

Full disclosure: I don't like Don Imus. I don't think he's funny. And so I didn't listen to him. But millions of people did, every day for God knows how many years. And he spewed a lot of insensitive, even hateful comments during those years. And he did so over and over again.

And guess what? During all that time, CBS was just fine taking in the money that accompanied them. What's changed now? It's not the fact that he talked smack.

The other part of this hypocrisy is Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. If they are so concerned about racial and sexist comments, why aren't they going after African American rappers and comedians who are some of the worst perpetrators of hate speech? Why aren't they out there apologizing to the Duke lacrosse players that they vilified last year? Why aren't they trying to start a real dialogue instead of just grandstanding for ratings?

Because they don't really give a shit either.

We can sit here and pretend, my friends, that this is all about an intolerance for prejudice. But we're just kidding ourselves. It's all about the bottom line and until we can all be honest about what is driving these comments and these reactions, that is not going to change.

How convenient!

So the White House may be missing millions of emails. I guess the White House servers aren't subject to the same Patriot Act spying that the rest of the world's are. Nice.

How many times...

...can a kid watch "Curious George" over and over again?

And how often can I comply before I go completely mental?

Warning to future hooligans.

Okay, okay, I get it. You're rebelling. You are too cool for school and like to hang out at the playground at night, smoking cigarettes and talking about how, like, your parents totally do not understand you. I'm sure you wax nostalgic about how once you graduate from high school, you are going to move to NYC and become a famous actor. You'll leave this place in the dust and never look back. Yeah, been there. Heard that.

But there's teenage angst and then there is just plain meanness. And "swirling" the baby swings each night until they have been swung all the way around the top of the swingset and unreachable for mere mortals is not representative of your coolness. It is rude and a serious pain in the ass for us mothers who are at the whims of children who are addicted to swinging. You ever heard a kid screaming because he's waited all day to get on the swing and he can't? Keep giving it up on the merry-go-round after dark and you'll become all too familiar.

Listen, I can tolerate one day of having to climb like a monkey up the wooden pylons, getting several splinters in the palms of my hands for the effort, risking that once I manage to work up the momentum to knock the swing seat off the top of the set that it's going to fall and hit my kid in the head, since he's throwing a tantrum below. But two days is too much.

Teenagers, you are on notice. If I go out and find you at the playground causing this kind of mischief again, you are in for it. I am going to confiscate your cigarettes, call your mothers and, so help me God, inform you that you are more suited to a career in accounting than on Broadway.

You have been warned.

15 month deployments.

Yesterday, one of the CNN headlines talked about the Department of Defense extending Army deployments to 15 months. Yeah, okay. We kind of knew that was going to happen. But to add insult to injury, I had to hear the Secretary of Defense utter these words:

"What we're trying to do here is provide some long-term predictability to our soldiers and their families."

Bullshit. What you are trying to do is cover your ass and spin this so it's not about the mistakes that your predecessor and the Bush Administration made in administrating this war. And it sucks big time. Let's face it, you aren't fooling the public. Polls show the majority against the war. And what's worse, by trying to spin this in such a horrible manner, you risk alienating your military families. Screw you, hippie.

And what's worse? I wasn't sure if I was relieved or completely maddened when the story headline was replaced on CNN with one about how Larry Birkhead was not planning to share custody of Dannielynn.

Ummm, Punk'd is still on TV? Who knew?!

I was flipping through the channels yesterday and came across Punk'd. Now, I had no idea this show was still on the air. But I have to admit, I did find the punking of Nelly Furtado extremely funny. And not just because of the horseback riding date story.

Larry Birkhead is the Daddy.

Okay, okay -- are we supposed to act surprised now? Or just mock Prince Frederic von Anhalt now?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/04/10/smith.baby/index.html

(I'm not even going to comment about the appropriateness of this as a top headline, let alone CNN's TOP story overnight. Yeah, why worry about that war going on or Iran's "industrial" nuclear program? This is *so* much more important).

What not to do when calling up an old ex-girlfriend.

I suppose most of us have one of those guys in our pasts. The gorgeous, funny, seemingly-perfect sociopath who took our heart and turned it into sashimi with his manipulative and cheating ways. It took me a while to realize what a schmuck mine truly was and when I did, it was absolutely heartbreaking.

But I did figure it out. And that's the important thing. And luckily, I did so before he gave me an STD.

When I finally did leave him, it was pretty bad. Lots of fighting, yelling and throwing shit all over my apartment. And then after it was all over, and both he and my relief at his going were gone, I felt pretty lost for a while. I spent a lot of time wondering how I could have ended up with such a complete and total ass hole, second-guessing my choices in men and life. But after a few years, I met my husband and despite my fears of letting in another bastard, I decided to make the leap and see what happened. I hadn't thought much of the sociopath since.

So imagine my surprise when the fucker ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. My first inclination was to hang up but my curiosity got the better of me. After all, it had been over 6 years since I spoke with him last.

And yes, I'll admit, I wanted to make sure that he knew I had moved on and had done just fine without him.

After asking after me and my family (he was unaware that I was married or had a child), he started telling me about his life and how he found that life in the corporate world was not for him. It was pretty hilarious.

But then, just as I was yawning, just as I was wondering how the hell I had ever thought I was in love with such a consummate loser, he asked me for some money.

Well, really, he offered me an "opportunity." Damned if the dickhead didn't try to sell me on some ridiculous real estate Ponzi scheme that he's running.

I politely declined and hung up as he tried a different brand of pitch and then I laughed. Maybe there is something to that whole everything-happens-for-a-reason stuff after all.

Butting in when not needed.

At one of the many Easter celebrations this past weekend, I mentioned to some ladies how excited I was to go to NYC by myself and that it was high time that CPT Dick observed first hand how exhausting it can be to be a full-time caregiver of a toddler. Most, who either have or have recently had toddlers totally understood and shivered with me in the joy of the anticipated schadenfreude.

But one of the ladies, worrying about my Munchkin she said, offered to watch him for the weekend. It should be noted that she does not have children. I replied that it was very nice, but no thanks. CPT Dick is Munchkin's father. He should be able to handle it.

So what does the woman do? After the conversation ended and we all meandered into new and other mingling situations, she sought CPT Dick out and suggested to him that she watch Munchkin that weekend. And CPT Dick said that he'd consider it, depending on what was going on.

I am LIVID. First off, I said no. Where the hell does this woman get off then going to my husband? Is she 8 years old trying to play Mommy off Daddy to get a brand new Barbie corvette? No. She is interfering in lives that she knows absolutely nothing about. And what's worse, my kid doesn't like her. She's one of these young wives who thinks the best way to get a kid to like you is to get right in their face and act goofy. It may work with other kids but it happens to scare the shit out of my son.

But then, I'm also a little angry at CPT Dick. On one hand, I would like him to have some back-up in the case that he needs it. But so he can truly understand what it's like, the man should have to scramble for it just like I do every goddamn week. Is that so wrong?

Lost in translation...or maybe not.

1. Go to www.google.com/translate.
2. Type in the URL: http://www.elpais.com and set it to translate from Spanish to English.
3. Scroll down to the story about Imus being suspended: The story lede says that "It called 'mujerzuelas of dirty hair' to black players of basketball."

Maybe they got it more right than the American papers did. At least with regards to the part about Imus being an "it."

Psyching up to run.

"Honey, have you seen my iPod?"

"Umm, I think it's on the couch. You leaving for your run now?"

"Not yet. I have to poop first."

"So you need the iPod to poop?"

"Maybe."

"Do I even want to know what tunes help you with that particular task?"

"Probably not."

But I'm really hoping that it's not speed metal. Because that would be really disturbing.

Potluck ettiquette.

Tomorrow is Easter with the start of spring break to follow. The combination of this, the impending departure of our unit chaplain and several key NCOs has led to a veritable cornucopia of luncheons, farewells and potlucks. I've made more brownies, rice krispie treats and pots of mac'n'cheese than I care to count.

And don't even ask how much I've eaten. I might have to kill you.

Yesterday, I was complaining to CPT Dick that I had no idea what to make for the Easter potluck. It was stressing me out.

"Stressing you out? The whole thing about a potluck is that you don't have to stress out. You make one dish. Everyone else makes one dish. And then everyone can eat a little of each. It is the definition of no-stress."

"But we've had so many in the past weeks. I can't make what I made last time."

"Why not?"

"Because, apparently, in potluck ettiquette, unless you have a signature dish that people specifically request, you have to change it up."

"There's potluck ettiquette?"

"So I'm told."

"And here I thought it only involved not just eating 6 helpings of one thing."

"Shows what you know."

Depressing.

A piece in the Sunday NY Times magazine talks about how troops won't be leaving Iraq anytime soon no matter what happens in the next election.

Depressing. But probably accurate.

Holy moly.

Meet Martin Strel. He just completed a 9-week, 3,272 mile swim of the Amazon River.

You can also read about his adventure on his website: www.amazonswim.com. The photos and diary entries are pretty impressive.

I love stories like these, full of daring, perseverance and the triumph of the human spirit. But I also admit that I love that Strel has quite a beer belly on him, showing that anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it.