Thursday, December 25, 2008

Alive and...Well, I'm alive.

First off, Merry, merry and all that. Munchkin and I are back in the states, hyped up on chocolate and too much family time. Makes me homesick for Europe.

I wish I could say that is the reason I haven't written. But it wouldn't be honest. In the past four weeks, I've sat down to type out a post countless times and closed the browser before clicking 'save' each and every time. I just wasn't sure what to say without being honest. And being honest and talking about what is going on with me makes it all feel all too real. I don't want it to be.

But in the spirit of the season, and trying to find my way for the coming year, I find that I just can't keep this inside any longer. That honesty is really my only option.

And so, dear readers, I'm going to take you into my confidence. Why have I been so quiet? The truth of the matter is, it is difficult to discuss the ins and outs of being a military wife because I'm just not sure that I want to be one anymore. And unfortunately, I'm not being all existential. I simply don't know if my marriage will survive this deployment. As each day passes, I become more and more convinced that it won't. I've tried to find a way around this truth, to find some hope that CPT Dick and I might weather this storm, but I fear that there is little to be spared.

As for the where's and why's, at the end of the day, the details don't matter so much. It's no one's fault, exactly. It's not necessarily that I'm not Army spouse material (if I ever, indeed, was to begin with). And it's not even the war, the deployment op tempo or the craziness that comes with being a Commander's wife. It's just two people who have grown apart over time and can't seem to find a way to bridge the gap.

Some have told me that this is just par for the course. As one friend told me the other day, "My husband and I talk about getting divorced each and every deployment. You'll find yourself back on track when he comes home." It's possible, I suppose. But this isn't a heated argument during a 30 minute morale call or a disagreement about $300 in Eagle Cash. This is been a slow, gradual and, for lack of a better word, organic process that was going on even before CPT Dick left. And despite my best efforts, I'm not sure if it can be contained.

I know that's a lot to throw on you. I'm sure most of you will decide I'm either (a) overwhelmed at the holidays and will be back to my normal misanthropic semi-happily married self by February or (b) a frickin' quitter who should go whine to someone who actually gives a crap. I wouldn't blame you. Until very recently, I was vacillating between the two myself.

But as we all move towards January 1st, and our resolutions for the new year, I hope that you all remember that it isn't an easy road we've chosen. As that stupid military forward email I made fun of all those months ago said, we "chose the man, not the life." But it didn't address what to do when we are no longer so sure of that man -- or, ourselves.

Merry Christmas, friends. I'm thinking of you all and wishing you all the best in the coming year.

21 comments:

LL said...

Sugar, you're in my thoughts and prayers. The situation sucks. It's a rough road to go onto...divorce. But you have to do what you have to do.

Sara said...

I worry about this a lot having started our marriage off in the most difficult way possible. Youth, deployment, short dating time and engagement. I'm scared sometimes that I didn't make the right decision. That we took on too much for one marriage. Divorce happens and sometimes it isn't about ugliness, it's just what you've said. People grow, and sometimes grow apart. How are couples supposed to grow together when they're never together? I'm not at a point where I want divorce or out of the military life, but the vague thought of what could happen scares me. Anyone who faults you for wanting out should remember what a hard lifestyly we chose. And while we chose it, that doesn't mean that we have to take it with a smile all the time or that what we want can't change. I hope the best for you, whatever you decide the best is.

Bette said...

Oh, honey. I'm thinking of -- and hoping the best for -- you.

Wheezer said...

I won't try to placate you with words of "it's just the deployment blues, it will pass when he gets home." I know that you don't need that right now. What you need is support from the blogsphere. Know that this is the place to come when you need to vent or dump. I promise not to judge. Hang in there.

prophet said...

Merry Christmas to you, Nee, during these tough times. I read this last night (Christmas night) just before I went to bed but had no words . . . .

Hey - all the best to you, the Capt. and M-kin. This, too shall pass, one way or the other. Still, I can't say how sorry I am to hear of your troubles and I hope and pray that all will work out the best possible way. I know I'm not the only one who will be saying: "I'm here if you need me."

Semper fi

Marine Wife said...

Strangely, this post didn't really surprise me. Whatever decision you come to, I know it won't be an easy one for you. Indeed the whole process of trying to make a decision must be excruciating. Please know you are not alone. I'll be thinking of you.

Have you tried counseling (alone or together or both)? You can get 6 free sessions thru OneSource and you can self-refer for 8 sessions thru Tricare. Just remember you don't have to try to struggle thru this alone. Having a sounding board can really help. I've been there and done that.

*hugs*

Brittany said...

Keep your head up. I'm definitely not going to try to feed you the whole "it will get better" lines of sympathy, because I'm sure you don't want to hear that. Nobody knows what's going on better than you do ...

Just know that we (your blogging friends and readers!) are here for you ... to listen and vent and not judge. Because sometimes, things like the Army have absolutely nothing to do with your life.

liberal army wife said...

honey - I am going to hope that whatever happens, is what needs to happen for all of you. I know that doesn't help, but I will agree that most of us feel this way sometimes [ok, a LOT]... but if this isn't something that can be worked out... then it can't.

LAW

Jehanne Dubrow said...

Dear N-E,
I'm so sorry to read this post, and my thoughts are with you. I'm not sure if there are many things more difficult than being married to the military. The fact that most people haven't experienced these challenges in their own marriages and simply don't get them, only makes the isolation/loneliness/distance tougher. I hope things look up soon.

Best,
Jehanne

Val said...

We've only been at this lifestyle 5 years and my husband's last work-up cycle nearly did us in. We're still reeling from it. Still doing our best to work through it.

No judgement here. It's just so hard.

I'm one here in blogland that care's and supports you no matter what. I wish you peace as you navigate through this.

orlane said...

Wishing you all the best for 2009. Time will tell how everything plays out but in the meantime know that you are in our thoughts.

Anonymous said...

It took me 21 years to conclude that my marriage was irretrievable. I can't pretend to grasp what it's like to be a military wife with deployments and single parenting. Do you ever hear appreciation for your sacrifice? Are you ever recognized and supported for all you carry in the name of freedom? Well, if not, let mine be a message of gratitude, for I sleep safely and live freely because I was lucky enough to be born in the US and protected by its soldiers. Now, who's protecting and supporting you?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. It can be so hard to pick apart what is military and what, as you say, is just two people who have grown apart. Writing the truth takes courage and just know I appreciate your honesty. My own 12 year marriage is far from rock solid these days...

Lee Anne said...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Whatever you decide or however things work out, it will take a shitload of courage--something that, as your blog attests, you have a shitload of.

This life is a hard one... As one commander's wife once wryly remarked when asked how she was doing, "Oh, I'm living the dream, just not my own."

You and your family are in my thoughts...

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please consider marriage counseling, I've used it after every deployment and think it has definitely saved my marriage each and every time.

Baxter said...

Well I sincerely hope that you and your husband can find a way to work it out. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but that's just me. I'm on my first deployment, and so far My wife and I have had no major issues, except missing each other. I understand that things are difficult, and there are issues in your lives that aren't appropriate for this forum. All I can say is my first statement. And I hope that the next year is the second best year of your life.

Just Laura said...

Thank you for your honesty. I feel so very alone and miserable which is why I hadn't written for so long as well.

I'm not the typical military spouse with on base support or other military wives in the area. I'm the wife of a reservist who has come home changed and I truly do not know what to do, who to turn to or how to stop the crying.

My heart breaks to make this admission. If you would like to talk, I am unsure I could help but would like to listen - if that would be of help to you. You can visit me on my site PhoenixJoaquin.blogspot

Bon said...

I missed your posts and wondered if all was well. This post, such an honest and heart-wrenching assessment. No one can really know how things are for you and I hope you have the support of friends and family.

I hope you too are well and working your way through to a better year in 2009.

- me said...

Having been through a divorce myself, I wish you the absolute best. I hope things can be brought back to where they should be, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I fully believe you're strong enough to handle everything though, no matter which way they go. I know we don't know each other, but if you need an outside ear or opinion or anything, let me know - meghanlomaniac@gmail.com

Penny said...

I know that it's something tough to be going through. I wish you well and hope everything works out for the best!

Kathryn Skaggs said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. I can't imagine what it must be like, to be the spouse of someone in the military. Having only yourself so much of the time, to depend on -- must be such a challenge both physically and emotionally. Just know, that there are many of us - who so appreciate what military families sacrifice, for the rest of us.

Again, Thank you.

tDMg
Kathryn Skaggs