So as I said in my "About Me" section, soldiers are often instructed to leave behind all non-essential equipment when heading off on a mission. This isn't just a slight on the military, mind you. We've all heard the line "if the military wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one." And boy, there is a helluva lot of truth to that. But there is also an aspect of being "non-essential" to your soldier, too.
I'm convinced CPT Dick is part schizophrenic. He is able to compartmentalize his life in such a way that when he does deploy or go off to train, he mentally cordons off anything having to do with home and stashes it away in the back of that nobby head of his until he's ready to return. This was incredibly hard for me at first. He often doesn't think to call and if and when he can summon the gumption to write, I'll rarely get more than a line or two about nothing in particular. With time, I've come to accept it and, in theory, understand it. But I don't like it one bit.
CPT Dick just returned from a couple weeks away in the field. We didn't hear from him much while he was away and when we managed to get hold of him, it seemed like it was more of an inconvenience than a happy surprise. What's sad is that as more time goes on, the more I get used to this arrangement. And I find myself being able to compartmentalize life the way he does, too. But for me, it is not effortless. Each leaving and homecoming is jarring for me, making me feel one million different ways at once and unsure of which is the right one.
I don't have a mission to accomplish. I don't have the needs and lives of 150 guys to champion. And I don't have CPT Dick's calling to serve to help me justify these behaviors. Instead, I have all the reminders that CPT Dick is not here, a son that misses his Daddy and an empty mind that starts to consider what else might be out there for me. It makes me wonder if there might come a point where if I put my husband out of mind for long enough I will lack the ability or desire to bring him back to the forefront. I hope it doesn't happen but I can see the possibility.
But for now, I will enjoy the few days with CPT Dick before he disappears again and I'm left wondering whether this is really the life for me.
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1 comment:
You don't need to like it but at least you try to understand it. Kudos for that. But understanding stuff like this requires reason, and "reasons make no sense to the heart for the heart does not reason." so spouses get stuck in the same place while they are able to be professional about their feelings.
-L- a female soldier. AND a military spouse :)
PS: Sometimes I'll sign my comments as a soldier and sometimes as a spouse. I'm stuck in the middle :<
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