Sunday, January 25, 2009

Maintaining radio silence.

First, thanks to all of you who left comments or sent me messages. I very much appreciate them. The support has been overwhelming. My wee little Grinch heart may have even grown a size or two from all of it.

So what's happening now? That has been the gist of most of the messages I've been receiving in the past week or two. So, an update. For the most part, I've spent the last few weeks wondering what I have to say about being a military spouse. But a friend convinced me that perhaps there was also some value in talking about the process of becoming not-a-military-spouse. If that is, indeed, what I am doing.

For the record, I haven't made any hard decisions yet. My gut tells me that things are done but I keep reminding myself about the old adage about guts and shit. Unfortunately, MAJ Dick (oh yeah, he got promoted) refuses to discuss any of it but it's hard for me to blame him. He's thousands of miles away. As he told me in a rare moment of kindness and honesty on the telephone the other week, he can't think of anything he might do to fix things from Baghdad. If I'm honest, I don't know that I can think of anything either.

So for now, I'm just left pondering -- what do I do next? Do we try to cram a year's worth of drudgery in two weeks and try to hash it all out in an 18 day R&R? Do we just pretend it's not happening until after the deployment and its consequent hoopla? Or is it better to make a decision now, call it a day and just let the chips fall where they may? It would seem that deployment offers yet another negative consequence to a marriage. Our marriage is frozen in time, in many ways, back to the days before he left. Just as it takes two to end a marriage, two are preferable for the process of ending one. And I don't have that luxury.

In the meantime, I'm keeping on. Doing pretty much what I did when we were happy -- doing my work, taking care of Munchkin, traveling and even volunteering here and there for the unit. What else is there?


Bon said...

I actually considered this, that your marriage would be frozen in time. I know how things were frozen for us at various times and it is more of the suck.

I can't imagine R&R but perhaps it really can get you both on some sort of same page.

As for carrying on for the moment? Yeah, the best approach is probably what you are doing. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

prophet said...

hey. . . . just askin'. . . . does the decision have to be made right now?

Can it wait?

Can you just keep on "keeping on. Doing pretty much what I did when we were happy. . . ." ? And just put the other bit to the side for a bit and not decide just now?

It can be hard to live with uncertainty. Then again: all of life is uncertain. We live with uncertainty whether we like it or not. "Deciding" does not give you certainty, although it does reduce your options. Even then, life can always throw you another curve ball. Just when you thought everything was all arranged.

I prescribe Paris. A couple of days in Paris always helps. Heidelberg would be a good bet, too.

Wishing you the best.

Butterfly Wife said...

I've been thinking about you during this tough time. Take care.

liberal army wife said...

would it be possible to have your R&R as almost a long Date? and see if there is anything there that still clicks. the thing is, he really can't do anything from there, and you can't get any answers either... this is a mess, no matter which way you look at it.

and if you can get counseling for yourself, I'd say go for it. Sure helped me.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.. and I'll hope that whatever you decide it the best thing for you all.


Marine Wife said...

Life in limbo...I'm so sorry, I know how frustrating that must be.

Sarah said...

I didn't comment on your previous post, but I just wanted to pipe up and say that I am here and I hope you two are able to talk over R&R...

Lee Anne said...

My thoughts continue to be with you and your family during this time. I hope all is well as can be. Looking forward to more writing from you, but sometimes quiet is what we need more than anything. Sending good, healing thoughts.

Cher said...

Hey! Just stopping by to let you know about a post on my blog that I thought you might enjoy. It's about romance for military couples!