Things that annoy the shit out of me regarding my mother-in-law.

1. After asking umpteen times what she would like me to have in the house for her visit, and her replying "Nothing" every single time, I am now being reproached for not being omniscient and knowing to buy her a special brand of bottled water, decaffeinated coffee and pineapple juice.
2. 24 hours after she changes my son's poopy diaper, she tells me, "Oh, I couldn't figure out the diaper pail so I put the diaper in the trash can." And when I go upstairs, it's not the trash can but his clothes hamper (half-filled with dirty laundry) and she didn't bother to close up the diaper so there is now petrified poop smeared on everything.
3. She insists on watching "Flags of our Fathers," but then gives a running commentary throughout the film on how I should be encouraging CPT Dick to get out of the Army, how if he's deployed again she's going to write a letter to her congressman to complain, and that if war is that loud, she fears for CPT Dick's hearing.
4. That when Munchkin won't warm up to her, she casts a leery eye on me instead of considering that perhaps getting in his face every 5 seconds, and taking away the cars or whatever he is playing with to start a new, Grandma-approved game, may not be the best method for increasing his level of affection.
5. That she cannot allow stand even one second of silence. And so, my days are filled with inane comments that don't make a whole lot of sense and her reading every sign we happen to pass while driving. She also keeps insisting that she has already visited all of the places we've gone when she came to visit last time, totally ignoring the fact that we lived in a different city then. But if I remind her of this, I'm the bitch.
6. That each evening, even though we have 2.5 bathrooms, she insists on discussing who will take a shower when. And she will say something like, "Okay, so I'll take my shower at 8:30am, Dad will take his at 8am and you can take yours whenever" with a totally dismissive arm wave. Ummm, lady, it's my house -- damn right I'll take my shower whenever. But what's worse, she then totally ignores her mandated schedule and takes a shower whenever the hell she feels like it the next morning anyway.
7. She asks the same questions over and over again. My answers never change but she asks again and again. What's the difference between a base and a post? What's the difference between a squad and a platoon? Does CPT Dick get home by 7pm each night? I'm considering making flash cards with the answers on the back for her so the insanity might stop.