Letter to a new wife.

Dear Annoying Fool,

I just wanted to write you a note to thank you for lunch the other day. I worry sometimes that I don't have the innate patience necessary to raise a child in this day and age, but now that I managed to spend an hour and a half with you without punching you in the head repeatedly, I think I may be all set.

On some level, I realize some of your completely irritating qualities are age-related. Lord knows, when I was 23 I probably thought I was hot shit, too. Of course, when introduced to a new setting, I didn't automatically start spouting off just how hot I thought I was but I'm sure some of my arrogance leaked through. But note, if you want to convince people that you are "really, really, like, you know, ummm, totally smart," it's often best to leave off some of the more stuttering qualifiers. Of course, this particular affectation may be due to a speech impediment so if you find that advice difficult to follow, perhaps not acting like a complete lunatic who can't add up the cost of her lunch, can't seem to recall how many chocolate candies to add to each plastic Easter egg (3. Still 3. Even now, still 3), or, even most importantly, goes on and on about how funny it is to be deeply mired in credit debt would help, too.

But, you know, it is entirely possible that the A you received in your freshman level U.S. History survey does qualify you for Mensa membership. Good luck with the application.

Honestly, I think you are a smart girl. I noticed glimmers of intelligence peaking through despite your best efforts. And unfortunately, this can only lead me to conclude that you are *that* girl. The smart girl who has decided that it is far more valuable to act really, really stupid. And I hate that girl. Pretending to be ignorant is far more malevolent than just being so. First, it's manipulative. Fine, perhaps you got some of us to stuff a few more Easter eggs than you because you pretended not to understand the 3 concept. Maybe you get guys to do your taxes or do your homework so you can go out and shotgun a few beers. But is that worth the blows you are giving to your own dignity? I guess it's easier to shine when no one expects anything of you.

But second, and most importantly, your actions make it that much harder for the rest of us. Women who would like to be able to not be looked at as pariahs because we've read a book or have an opinion on the way the world is run. Sure, it may be easier to twirl our hair around our fingers and giggle in the midst of important conversations, but it does not make the world a better place.

In any case, I hope you grow the hell up and snap out of this phase. For your own sake and for mine. Because if I do give in and hit you, as I'd so like to do, I'll have to deal with some serious doubts about my fitness as a parent.

Love,
Non-Essential Equipment