I'm a little late on this one but last week's New York Times Magazine ran a cover story entitled, "When Mom and Dad Share it All."
The cover tag was a little more pointed -- it had a child holding a list with "Will Dad Ever Do His Share?" printed underneath.
Of course, they don't define share.
My husband will tell you, with a completely straight face, that he does at least half of the house and child care here. He honestly believes it. You can remind him that he spends 15 months deployed and then 3 month trips to the field when he's not downrange and he still believes it. And that is because he sees "share" as being what he has the capacity to do after work.
It's taken me a long time -- and a helluva lot of angst -- to understand that.
Honestly, I don't know that a child benefits from a score card type of parenting. I'm all for Dads getting more involved and those who can and want to taking paternity leaves or staying at home. But more and more, as I've wasted years shaking my fists at the sky over what seems like an unending inequity in family duties, I realize I could benefit from taking the same tact as my husband.
No, no -- I'm not advocating neglect of my child. But when the kitchen is cleaned, who does it hurt if the pots soak overnight? If a few toys don't get put away before bedtime, who says I have to spend my evening cleaning them up?
Maybe "equality" isn't really what we should be striving for here.
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2 comments:
I don't have children (yet), but I thought the same thing while reading this article. This whole score card style could result in a lot of pettiness. It seems to lose the big picture; quality time gets lost in all the scheduling. The Pilot does what he can after working 12 hours a day (on a good day). When we have children, it will be tough with me working part-time and writing.
For me, it's essential to keep my sense of humor.
I recently took the kids out of town for a few days. Before I left, I started a load of laundry (including the kids' bed sheets). I asked my husband to please take everything out of the dryer later.
When I came home, their clean, dry sheets were piled on their unmade beds.
I said to my husband: "I guess this answers the question: Would it kill Rich to make the kids' beds for once?"
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