What not to do when calling up an old ex-girlfriend.

I suppose most of us have one of those guys in our pasts. The gorgeous, funny, seemingly-perfect sociopath who took our heart and turned it into sashimi with his manipulative and cheating ways. It took me a while to realize what a schmuck mine truly was and when I did, it was absolutely heartbreaking.

But I did figure it out. And that's the important thing. And luckily, I did so before he gave me an STD.

When I finally did leave him, it was pretty bad. Lots of fighting, yelling and throwing shit all over my apartment. And then after it was all over, and both he and my relief at his going were gone, I felt pretty lost for a while. I spent a lot of time wondering how I could have ended up with such a complete and total ass hole, second-guessing my choices in men and life. But after a few years, I met my husband and despite my fears of letting in another bastard, I decided to make the leap and see what happened. I hadn't thought much of the sociopath since.

So imagine my surprise when the fucker ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. My first inclination was to hang up but my curiosity got the better of me. After all, it had been over 6 years since I spoke with him last.

And yes, I'll admit, I wanted to make sure that he knew I had moved on and had done just fine without him.

After asking after me and my family (he was unaware that I was married or had a child), he started telling me about his life and how he found that life in the corporate world was not for him. It was pretty hilarious.

But then, just as I was yawning, just as I was wondering how the hell I had ever thought I was in love with such a consummate loser, he asked me for some money.

Well, really, he offered me an "opportunity." Damned if the dickhead didn't try to sell me on some ridiculous real estate Ponzi scheme that he's running.

I politely declined and hung up as he tried a different brand of pitch and then I laughed. Maybe there is something to that whole everything-happens-for-a-reason stuff after all.