Things I never thought I'd say as a mother.

• "Stop! That table is glass. If you are going to jump, go jump on the couch."
• "Try to throw up on Mommy, honey."
• "What? You want Mommy to tickle your balls?" [We were tickling his stuffed animals and then he came over with two soccer balls for me to tickle next. I didn't realize what I had said until CPT Dick doubled over with laughter].
• "We do not flush diapers down the toilet."
• "Do you want to sit on the potty? No? Okay. I'm going to go potty. Do you want to see Mommy go potty?"
• "Dog poop is not a toy!" [And for the record, neither is horse or goose poop].
• "Wow! You can walk fast in high heels!"