After my big fight with CPT Dick, I spent the afternoon venting to a few friends. And what I thought would be a one-sided conversation soon turned into a lot of commiseration and a serious discussion.
As military spouses, we're often told that we chose this life. We must accept it. And yes, to a certain extent, that is true. We have to accept our husbands' commitment to their jobs, frequent and long deployments and the laundering of piles and piles of funky brown t-shirts. But what, within a marriage must we accept in the name of supporting our husband?
CPT Dick often reminds me that he's deploying. Usually, when he wants me to do something he doesn't want to do. This is how he got me to take the FRG, among other things. But now he's pushing it. He wants to use it to only go back to see the people he wants to at Christmas. He wants to use it to get out of doing things around the house. And he'll even use it to try to convince me to try for that second baby now. And worse, the pressures of his new job have him treating me like one of his soldiers. Trying to lay down the law with no discussion.
And frankly, I'm getting sick of it.
He chose to PCS here because he wanted a command in combat. I supported that. But I start to wonder why when he uses this job as a reason not to be an active participant in this family. To try to use it to get out of things like obligations to my family or even taking out the trash. And I begin to really resent it when it involves him skipping out on obligations to me like watching our son so I can get some work done.
So what do you think, readers? How much is too much? In exchange for a military career and a long deployment, should we be giving in to all of our spouses' wants and demands, no matter how ridiculous?
I'd really like to hear what you think.
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12 comments:
When I read the post about the argument the first thing I thought was, "What? She's one of his soldiers?" That really was the impression I got. I wonder if that's a common thing for military guys. I wonder if it frustrates them to go between an environment with a clear chain of command to one where there's supposed to be a relationship of equals.
But, um, yeah, it sounds like this is going way too far in taking advantage.
I don't have any smart answers, because I am still asking those questions myself.
At one time I was sincerely trying to be (my perception of) the perfect Army wife in training. Did everything asked of me, took care of his business during the deployment, and tried like hell to be patient and understanding during the reintegration.
Looking back, I don't even recognize that person, and I highly doubt we'll see her again. Sometimes there's a fine line between devoted partner and doormat; right now I'm trying to find the spot where two people can be happy.
That's zero help, isn't it? In any case, you're not alone in thinking about how to deal with stuff like this. I'm interested in what others have to say, and in what conclusions you come to.
I think about this sometimes. Scratch that -- a helluva lot. While he's very supportive of my work/writing, my husband often makes immediate demands on my time that I would never dream of making of him. Granted, we've been married about 18 months with the middle third of that gone to deployment. We're still working out the kinks.
But, I feel utterly alone when it comes to moving, housework, the bills, the yard, and communicating with HIS LARGE FAMILY (birthdays, anniversaries, christmas)... I've sucked royally at the latter since I forgot both his parents' birthdays and two nephews' in the past two months of chapter revisions. While he is home, I wonder why I should be responsible for this and why everyone expects birthday greetings/gifts since he now has a wife to remember them. He'll say he'll do something, but it will usually sit undone until I do it or finish it.
I wish I knew how much is too much/how much is enough... I think I'm still trying to figure that one out. I just spent the past thirty minutes trying to write this response. It's just damn hard.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. Seems that a lot of us wonder where the line is.
What's funny though is that after I posed, I mentioned this to one of the senior wives. She said, without batting an eye, "If you intend to stay married, you will learn to do it all. And you will do so with a smile."
I think too often this is the line that is fed to us as military wives. That if we aren't willing to do it all and do it gladly that we are somehow remiss in our wifely duties.
I have the opposite problem sometimes - J feels responsible for the things I have to do/do without/put up with, etc. - and so he is so accommodating that I have to remind him that some things really DO need to be about him, and that we DO need to make joint decisions about some things (he would rather I decide on things that we actually have any control over - sort of as a consolation). This isn't always easy, either, but it's nice that he recognizes that the life we lead to accommodate his career isn't always fabulous.
There's no easy way to deal with any of it, really- but I disagree STRONGLY with what the "senior wife" said - marriage is an equal partnership, or it's nothing.
I've been thinking about this, NEE, and you'll find it in my 'the set up' .
The one thing I would add here, talking to you, is that the 'unenforceable' - the free gift - works both ways. You can't force it - ENforce it - or expect it. The moment you find yourself reacting to "ridiculous demands" or counting/measuring to see "how much is too much", you're [temporarily] out of the zone.
This goes EQUALLY for the Cpt.
He's WAY out of the zone, and he's inviting you out, too. Don't go. Stay where you can give freely. Maybe try to point out where his demands have made that difficult for you to give, rather than just accede?
In a sense, your 'senior wife' is right. But perhaps not for the reason either of you thinks.
I admire your heart.
We have to complain and vent every now and then -- if we don't, our heads will explode with all that pent up resentment. We all do the best we can -- even if we have to grumble our way through it.
And, fights are healthy. We can't go through life walking on eggshells around our partners because we're afraid to complain due to the nature of their jobs. I'm way guilty of this, and my husband would rather know how I feel than just have me grin and bear it when I feel resentment. I'm learning to do this, and it will probably be a lifelong process. And, he's learning to let me vent, so we can both move on and make a decision/adjustment together. It's our "wifely duty," I think, to be honest with our feelings, both with our partners and ourselves.
Thank you for having the courage to post this. Sending good thoughts!
Kimba -- I wonder how much of that has to do with a second marriage (I think I remember reading that J has an ex -- if I'm wrong, sorry!). But many of the soldiers I know who are on second marriages have the benefit of hindsight to help guide them. Maybe too far in the other direction, sometimes, but it's an awareness that first timers might not have.
And you may be right, prophet, about the COL's wife. I just need to figure out where the line is and stick to it.
I think you have a point there - I wonder if J may have learned this the hard way during his first marriage. He was an F-18 pilot in those days, too - which was extremely demanding time-wise and was very hard on marriage #1.
The senior wife sounds a lot like my mom - who was married to an AF guy and now to an Army guy (both 06's, and both with the same first name, oddly enough). It just sounds so old-school - it gets my back up every time!
Here's my (hopefully reasonable) take on it - every relationship requires compromise. But the compromises have to be shared. I think most women are raised to be "pleasers", which trained us to give and give, rather than to think of our own needs. This gets complicated when the military is involved, as the demands coming from this direction are rarely open to negotiation - so it's easy to get accustomed to constant sacrifice. Then the military and the media congratulate us on our ability to sacrifice! And on and on it goes, reinforcing itself.
There's no easy answer, but if you don't get a break from being expected to do things you don't want to do, even in your private life, that doesn't seem fair.
Sorry - I am long-winded today, apparently...
There's a saying: "Begin as you mean to go on." They get really used to us doing everything during those times when we have to, but they also need to be reminded that they have responsiblities and obligations to their families. We are their wives; not their secretaries, maids, cooks, jill-of-all-trades, and certainly not their slaves.
Sounds like he needs a course on appreciating all that you do and have sacrificed for him. Then, he needs to think about how selfish it is for him to continue to ask for more without a little give on his part.
There's a saying: "Begin as you mean to go on." They get really used to us doing everything during those times when we have to, but they also need to be reminded that they have responsiblities and obligations to their families. We are their wives; not their secretaries, maids, cooks, jill-of-all-trades, and certainly not their slaves.
Sounds like he needs a course on appreciating all that you do and have sacrificed for him. Then, he needs to think about how selfish it is for him to continue to ask for more without a little give on his part.
In my husbands new job it is these little training trips that are making me crazy!
I had an emergency trip home to help my parents this June. He said, no problem-o... BUT at the last minute there was a training exercise that he had to be part of. So we had to make all kinds of crazy arrangements for the kids.
That kind of thing really upsets me. When he needs to be gone for a week or a month or half a year, there is no running around trying to figure out what to do with the kids. there's just me. I just do it. No problem. But on the rare occasion that I NEED him home, his work commitments take priority.
Later this fall I planned a 3 day get away before he deploys. We discussed dates. He told me to go for it... But the very day I made reservations, he got informed of another training trip. The same week. Waaa...
Great blog, by the way!
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